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Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Mit der Dummheit kﾃ､mpfen Gﾃｶtter selbst vergebens

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

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I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Smith & Wesson ﾂ? the original point and click interface.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Smith & Wesson ﾂ? the original point and click interface.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Barabﾃ｡si's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do ﾂ? whether it is correct or not.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

In this war ﾂ? as in others ﾂ? I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

In this war ﾂ? as in others ﾂ? I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.